This coronavirus pandemic has not been inspirational for me which is why I have not written a blog in awhile. Recently, something inspired me to write a piece that women and couples may find a worthwhile read. This is a personal story, a first for my blog, so here it goes.
It’s
been over 20 years since I began the journey to become a mother. I got married at 32 and wanted to start a
family sooner than later. Never did I think that conceiving would become such a
difficult, challenging and nerve-wracking endeavour.
It is almost
19 years since I have thought about my trials and tribulations of my fertility
journey, but a couple of things led me to write about this.
Firstly,
last month I was searching for a file on my computer and came across a Word Doc
named “Fertility Journal”. Despite knowing it was saved, I never opened it or
read it over the years…I decided to open it and got lost in reading all 22
pages of my detailed notes.
When I
began fertility treatments, the nurse recommended I keep a journal with dates,
the tests and results, what each doctor I’d meet would tell me, medications,
treatments, etc. The nurse said it’s also helpful to include feelings and
thoughts about the process as well as how things evolve. Despite my good memory,
some of the details I just did not recall, or maybe I just put them out of my
mind.
The second
thing that led me to recently think about my fertility journey was that last
month the Quebec provincial government announced a bill that would include invitro fertilization (IVF) in provincial healthcare. For many,
this will be a lifeline. Although it is only one round of IVF that will be
covered, it will bring women and couples some hope they may not have now, given
the huge cost of IVF.
In September 2000, we started down the path of investigating our fertility as a couple, following countless attempts trying to conceive naturally. At the McGill Reproductive Centre, housed at the Royal Victoria Hospital, we met with the chief fertility doctor, Dr. T for a consultation and then several tests that followed. I kept these appointments extremely private for a long time until I knew what we were dealing with.
At the
start of this process I did not know how many extreme highs and awful lows
would be involved…and also how announcements by close friends and family of
their happy pregnancy news would affect me and depress me, even though I was truly overjoyed by their news.
My appointments
were with different doctors who followed my case. Some were very kind and some unfriendly, and cold. It made me second guess using the public system vs.
a private fertility clinic. In 2000, the cost of private fertility treatment
was exorbitant for us. So I stuck it out at the McGill Reproductive Centre,
which was mostly covered by medicare.
Following
my test results, Dr. S diagnosed me with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), and
as a starting point prescribed medication to stimulate my ovaries. PCOS is not a
serious condition, but it does result in irregular cycles which I’d experienced
for many years. PCOS is terrible for predicting the ovulation days, during
which it is the ideal time to get pregnant. I rushed home to look up PCOS on
the internet, because although it was explained to me, I needed to know
everything possible.
Things
were very tense. I was working full time at the YM-YWHA and missing work for many
doctor appointments, so I had no choice but to tell my supervisor what was
going on, and it was odd confiding this very personal matter to a manager, that
not even my close friends were in the know about. I was a bundle of nerves,
but going to work every day was a good distraction.
I
started an oral drug treatment in January 2001. The meds gave me side effects
like terrible nausea and hot flashes for days on end. The side effects affected
me and stressed me and I just could not function.
Next
was the big step of insemination. And,
then a very long two week wait…the longest two weeks ever.
In my
journal I wrote,
“Each day is an eternity. I experienced spotting
and called the clinic, the Dr B. said it could be implantation bleeding, and
that I may be pregnant- which got my hopes so high. This doctor was impersonal,
and so unfriendly and unsupportive!”
A couple
of days later I got my period and I was not pregnant. So disappointing.
Two
more unsuccessful cycles followed.
To some
of the appointments I went alone, when my husband was unable to accompany me. Sometimes I needed to find a friend to come along, as I couldn’t drive
after some tests, causing more stress, since only a couple of friends were in the know.
After
the third and last cycle I saw Dr. T who said that I have to take one month off to rid
my body of all the meds before we start another treatment path.
Dr. T
wanted to schedule a laparoscopy before going the IVF route, to determine if
there wasn’t something else going on.
This
is an excerpt from my journal on April 24, 2001:
“Dr. T said if it were his spouse, he’d
go for one round of injectables first. But I would need a laparoscopy. He said we must weigh the cost and benefits.
Costs with ivm/ivf are $4000/cycle. Injectables are $1000/cycle. So we decided on ivm (invitro maturation). On
the way home we talked about the financial commitment. I felt “let’s go for the
method that will yield us the best chances”, he (my husband) feels we should
try at least one round of injectables, but I would have to have the laparoscopy
first. And, there will be maybe 6-7
months for a lap! I asked Dr. S about doing IUI without any meds, if we were
willing to pay for it...he said they could offer it. But when we mentioned it
to Dr. T, he said to just go home and try on your own.”
I was
so discouraged.
We
consulted with the very compassionate Dr. S who said to try one round of injectables
(injectable fertility drug). He
discussed the ivm (invitro maturation), injectables,
and the costs involved.
I
didn’t know of anyone who had gone through this before, or at least had talked
about it. Many prefer to keep their fertility private. I joined online fertility
boards and forums, as a support. I happen to befriend a woman in Alabama
experiencing a similar situation and we communicated very regularly, sometimes
daily and became online fertility buddies. K and I still keep in touch 20 years
later. I am very grateful we had each other. At that time she was the only
person I could relate to.
During
one of our appointments, Dr. T recommended I speak to one of his residents
running a study with injectables and that I may be eligible for but this was
the last month of the study. I wrote in
my journal, “I was so frustrated as NO ONE had EVER mentioned any studies
before…and now we had a couple of options before ivm or ivf”.
A
couple weeks passed and I was approved for the study. A nurse taught my husband
to inject me, and then I got 14 days of follicle stimulating hormones (FSH).
We
were well on our way.
In
order to remain in the study I needed three follicles growing. Unfortunately,
my ultrasound showed only two. Since I was already on the injectables we were
able to continue at the clinic with insemination (IUI). It was at this point
that we met the most wonderful doctor, Dr. Marinko Biljan. It was Canada Day
weekend and he was the doctor on call doing my ultrasound.
I
wrote this my journal,
“He was wonderful and took the time to
explain his opinion on ivm/ivf & injectables. He feels I have a good chance of
conceiving, that I am responding very well to the meds. He said I have two
excellent follicles and he even joked that I could even have twins a boy and
girl in one shot and be done with it…I’d love him as my obgyn when/if the
time comes.”
My
friend from Philadelphia was visiting the July 4th weekend and
she accompanied me to this insemination. This time a nurse did the IUI, but she
was an really an expert. I had the second IUI the next day with the same nurse.
THEN
CAME THE VERY LONG TWO WEEK WAIT. AGAIN. FOR THE 4th TIME.
I was
working part-time in the summer, so I was feeling much more relaxed, which is
what I needed this round.
Over
those two weeks I’d been having very vivid and weird dreams, some were very
intense and scary, causing me sleepless nights. In my journal I detailed those
dreams, and were they ever bizarre! I had to call the fertility pharmacist to
ask a question and happen to mention my weird dreams; she said usually it means
you’re pregnant. She didn’t want to get my hopes too high, but she made me a
bet that I was pregnant. Although she said I would have to wait another week
for a home pregnancy test.…and I should let her know. I wrote, “I told my
friend that I am not sleeping well because I am having weird dreams…she said you’re
pregnant.”
July 19th was the 15th day post-insemination; it was the day I was to do a home pregnancy test. The test displayed a +; I was actually pregnant!
I had a few ultrasounds at the clinic after that, but it was at my 13-week ultrasound that
Dr. S saw two sacs-two fetuses-two babies…I was expecting twins!
We
were quite aware that in using fertility drugs there was a higher chance of
conceiving twins. However, the chances increased from 5-8% with oral drugs to
about 20-25% with the injectables.
I
experienced some blips and a couple eventful bumps along the way, and my
pregnancy riddled me with foot and back pains. Baby A (boy) was very active, constantly
kicking me in the ribs. The doc put me on home rest for the last three months,
as he didn’t want me to take unnecessary risks during winter.
Dr.
Biljan delivered our boy-girl twins via emergency C-section on March 12, 2002-Jacob and Alexandra. I am deeply grateful to Dr. Biljan for his optimism and
compassionate demeanor. He was THE DOCTOR who gave us hope.
My son was born in distress, and he spent two days in the NICU away from me and his newborn twin sister. He was diagnosed with a heart murmur in the NICU and he still has a hole in his heart but with no impact on his life now. He will continue to be followed by a cardiologist for the rest of his life.
I continued on as Dr. Biljan's patient for a few years in his private practice, and he always wanted updates on the twins and I vividly recall the poster board in his office with all the snapshots of the babies he helped into the world. Sadly, Dr. Biljan became very ill and he passed away in 2007 of at a young age 49 of ALS. It was a huge loss.
Throughout my fertility journey there were days with good news creating excitement and days with grand disappointments. All in all, the good moments became great memories, and the challenges proved to be great life lessons. But it was well worth the journey because I have my life's treasures!
